It's 6:15am on a Tuesday morning, and I haven't slept yet. I was getting ready to go to sleep, when my thoughts turned toward some experiences that I had on my mission. These memories reminded me of what I used to be capable of during a time when my whole life was focused on doing good. I don't know why, but the following lines kept flying through my head. It took a few hours to organize them into a representation of how I feel about the time that has passed since my mission. (almost 2 years now).

Could My Heart Be Courageous Once More?

For whom do I put on the gauntlets?

What merits my bold battle cry?

I used to fight alongside fighters…

Now whom would I, dauntless, stand by?

The battle once raged all around us.

The field, with fear and doubt, was fraught.

My valiant heart never failed me,

But grew to resist the onslaught.

Each new foe made my limbs to grow bolder.

Every shaft in the whirlwind fell shy.

My heart was theirs who called me captain.

Charity gave my sword wings to fly!

T’was combat that made me a champion,

Love of comrades that made my arms light.

It was danger that made me so daring,

And concern that did sharpen my sight.

Long since has the battle moved forward.

Only wind carries the distant sound.

Far behind I am left to look onward

While I shrink from my former renown.

My eyes grow dim, and armor heavy.

How feebly my hand grasps my sword!

How is it the fewer my duties,

The more duties I find I’ve ignored?

I am told that I must keep my vigil.

That my diligence makes vict’ry sure.

Don’t they know, only peril of battle

Is what made me so faithful before?

The front lines demanded such valor!

Such valor and courage I gave!

And for all that I gave, I learned power.

For such power I had, now I crave!

Before combat taught me that power

I lived weak and afraid in a hole.

I can’t go back! I must rekindle

The flame that did once fill my soul!

Are there battles to fight all around me?

Are they hidden in life’s daily chore?

If I had my eyes cleared to see them,

Could my heart be courageous once more?

-Porter Goodman